I'm Not a Doctor, But I Play One on TV

I got up at 5 on the morning of the 20th, a little nervous about making it back home because of the snow storms on the east coast. I was flying out of Athens, through Rome, and then on to Philly.

Sure enough, my flight from Rome was canceled. It was a mess. Y— was on the same flight but was connecting to Tokyo and had a while. She stood in line with me for the 3 and a half hours it took to talk to a US Air customer service rep.

There was a guy in front of me by himself with his 2 year old daughter. He played with her, tickled her, tossed her in the air, gave her piggyback rides, you name it. They kept half the line entertained. He was a soldier on furlough until the 28th, trying to get back to Iowa to see his family. They couldn’t get him out until the 30th. If I’d had a seat to give, I’d have given it to him in a second.

While in line, we met David and Andrew. David was an air force pilot who just wanted to get home to see his girlfriend. He was a real sweetheart, and had a great attitude about the whole thing. Andrew, on the other hand, was a navy IT guy and a complete dickwad. When Sailor Boy found out that Y— was heading for Japan, he launched into a long story about how he was supposed to be stationed in Japan.

“Yeah, see, I wanted to go to Japan, and they said I’d probably go to Japan, but I scored so high on the test that they put my name in the first pick list, so they needed someone right away in this shithole. So I got fuckin’ cheated out of Japan because I’m too smart.”

He was also really excited to meet Y— because she’s the first Y— he’s met who isn’t an anime character.

Sailor Moon also kept saying things like, “If they don’t fuckin’ put me on a plane to the US, y’all are gonna have to pull me off those goddamn lazy ass Italian customer service people. This is BULLSHIT. There is NO REASON they can’t get me on a flight somewhere in the US where I can get home.”

He said this so often and so loudly that at one point I snapped. I said, “Do NOT yell at them, please! They’re doing the best they can. It’s not their fault the planes got canceled, and they’re having an awful time up there.”

He told me that was bullshit and there was no way he was staying in this goddamned shithole one more night and he was gonna FUCKIN’ LOSE IT if they didn’t put him on a plane SOMEWHERE. They can damn well pull domestic flights off to get us home if they have to.

Hey, Mr. I-was-too-smart-for-Japan–DOMESTIC PLANES CAN’T FLY ACROSS THE ATLANTIC OCEAN.

We were standing just down from a pink bathroom sign with icons of a man and a woman (pictures to follow).

Sailor Boy: What the fuck is that fuckin’, like, pink sign? Is it a gay bathroom or something?

Me: Are you not secure enough in your masculinity to use a bathroom that has a pink sign?

Sailor Boy: Secure in my–what the fuck are you talking about? How much more secure can I get? I’m in the fuckin’ navy, man!

Me: I dunno, maybe you’re compensating for something.

Sailor Boy: What the hell would I be compensating for? That’s some freeze-dried bullshit right there.

Y— and I agreed that he had a Napoleon complex. I wondered how tall he was. Y— said, “I’m 5’4″. I’ll do a walk-by on my way outside to smoke.”

5’5″, tops.

When I finally got to the desk, the poor woman was very kind, but the earliest she could get me out was Christmas Day. I had no choice but to take it.

Thankfully, I left the line before Limey Bastard made a scene, so Y— didn’t have to prevent me from punching him in the face.

I used the airport hotel service to book a truly awful hotel near Termini. Even the 10 watt light bulb couldn’t hide the fact that the floor has probably never been swept. When I plopped onto the bed, there was a muffled pop and it sank 3 inches. And the towels actually repel water rather than absorb it. But it’s cheap, and there’s internet in the lobby for an exorbitant price.

I was feeling pretty wretched. I’ve been dying to go back to Rome, but I’d imagined different circumstances. I was exhausted, but couldn’t stomach the thought of staying in that room a minute longer than I had to, so I went for a long walk.

This cheered me up enormously. It’s comforting to be in a city I know and love to combat the letdown of not being able to get home for Christmas. I hit up some of my favorite haunts, had some food, and just wandered. Now that I’m resigned to really being stuck, I’m looking forward to hanging out in the Eternal City for a few days (though my bank account is not).